Have you ever found yourself barraged by internal turmoil? It is at this point in my life that I am both liberated and confined. I am liberated in the sense that I know who I am, who I would like to be and what I am capable of. I am confined in the sense as I have a family to take care of (which I very much love doing!) and do not have the freedom to pursue my dreams in the way one can tend to them as a single person. This is not to say that I wish I didn’t have my wonderful family – alas, it is my wonderful family which is truly my biggest dream. I simply wish that I were a more complete person so that I could fulfill the needs and wants of the precious people all around me more wholly and be completely satisfied myself. I always wanted to be little Miss Susie Homemaker (pre-prison, lol) who could take care of the house, her children, her husband, and herself effortlessly (or at least without falling to complete pieces). But, that is not who I am. I still dream of being that person, but at least I know that is not really the person that I am and have reduced the amount of times which I compare myself to that “perfect mom/wife.” I wish that I could have the perfect (tidy and ALWAYS company-ready) house, the perfect way of raising my children (one in which I felt that I was the one in control all of the time), the perfect relationship with my husband, and enough time AND energy to pursue personal interests and hobbies. As the kids get older and I am grasping a better handle of keeping the house under control, I inch towards this elusive dream of perfection. But, as for today, I settle for the perfection of two precious sons sleeping peacefully after a fun-filled day and the time to sit and blog for self purposes. That is as close to perfection as this day will come and I am content with that!
Wishing for Perfection January 15, 2009